Feel nasty after having sex on the first date

Dear Pastor,

I am a 21-year-old girl and I am writing to you because I feel so ashamed of what happened to me.

I am presently in college. I went to visit one of my friends, and she introduced me to a young man who is a friend of her husband. I am from the country and I grew up with my grandparents. You would believe that they are my biological parents. They are the most loving people one could find. They give me everything I needed.

My mother is their youngest child, but she went away when I was six years old. I have many photographs of her, and she calls me often. She got married, but the marriage did not last, so she did not get her green card. Her plan was to send for me. When I was 15, my grandmother told her not to force herself into any business marriage just to get me to America. My father never cared about me. When I was 16, I went to see him and he did not even recognise me, so I never went back.

When I was 18, I had a relationship with a man I truly loved. I went to his home when he did not expect me. I had a key to his apartment. I did not expect to see what I saw. I quietly opened the door and I saw him having sex with my best friend. I burst into tears and tried to run out. He held me. He was naked and my friend said, "How you didn't tell me she coming?" He has asked me to forgive him, but I cannot forget what I saw. He said it was the only time he was having sex with my friend. I told him he shouldn't be having sex with her at all. Men are so unfaithful. I really loved him, but I can't any more.

This other guy who my friend introduced me to took me out. I am not a drinker, but I had some drinks. I do not know if he put anything in my drinks, but I know that he took me to his place and had sex with me. When I woke up, I had nothing on but my bra and my shirt, and both of us were lying on the floor. That was not normal; I would never have sex with someone I met for the first time. He said he asked me for sex and I agreed. I wonder if I was drunk. I told him that I was going to report him to the police for raping me, but I spoke to my friend and she begged me not to, because it would be his word against mine. I still cannot believe that I had sex with a man I had just met. Since that happened, I have found out that his girlfriend is pregnant for him. I feel nasty and cheap. But just writing to you makes me feel better.

G.M.

Dear G.M.,

I believe that you are a good woman and that you have tried your best to be upright in your conduct.

But men have taken advantage of your naivety. When you were 18, you had a stable relationship. You loved your boyfriend, but he kept another girl. You did not expect to find him in bed with your best friend. I hope that you would learn that you cannot always trust best friends, especially when they know that your man is kind and that he earns a good salary and would be able to give them money as often as they would like.

Not many best friends would allow themselves to turn away men who want to be intimate with them. Your best friend could have said no to your boyfriend, but instead, she agreed to have sex with him and you caught them in the very act. I hope that you will not be so trusting any more. Too bad, you may say, "Pastor doesn't want me to trust my boyfriend, how could I not trust the man I love?"

I don't know what happened, whether or not this other guy spiked your drink. I am not prepared to accuse this man of doing anything wrong, but something did not go right. You are not a foolish girl. How would you lose consciousness and give yourself wholly to a man, not having a clue that he was having sex with you?

You say you feel nasty. I do understand, because you have tried to keep yourself; and even if you were going to have sex with a man, you probably would not do so with him on your first date. You would consider that it is mostly prostitutes who would subject themselves to that.

May I suggest that you make an appointment to see a family counsellor if you continue to feel haunted by what has happened with this man and you?

Pastor