Don’t love my babyfather enough to marry him

March 15, 2023

Dear Pastor,

I am living with a man. I have two children; one is for him, but my first child is for another man. My first child's father told me that he regrets not being with me any more.

I am now 28 and he is 33. He is a very good father to his son, but I do not ask him for anything. My second child's father is very suspicious. If he sees me with anything new, he questions me about it. He wants to know where I got it, and whether it was my first child's father who gave it to me. For that reason, I do not accept anything from this man.

The problem I am now facing is that this guy I am living with is paying down on a house in one of these new projects, and he wants me to join with him. I do not know what to do. My heart says yes, but my head says no. I am fortunate to have a good job. I never wanted to buy a house with a man unless we were married. But I do not want to marry this man because he is too jealous and controlling. I have never cheated on him, but it seems as if he does not fully trust me.

Another problem I have with him is that he listens to his mother. I told him that I will not be surprised if every time we have sex, he tells her. My big problem is that my folks love him, but I do not fully love him. My love for him comes and goes. The area in which he wants us to buy the house is lovely, but he cannot go at it alone. I would have to join in with him.

This man eats a lot. I am slim, and he tells me that I should put on some more flesh. My son's father loves the way I look. He can do accounts, so I told him that he can get a second job to teach accounts, but he says that is too stressful.

I write to you as a father; please tell me what I should do.


Dear T.N.,

I can tell you straight; never marry a man you do not fully love. The marriage will not last, because if you were to find another man while you are married, you will cheat.

Never marry a man who does not trust you fully, because he will always be suspicious of you. When this man met you, he knew that you had a child with another man. But having a child with another man does not mean that you will continue to be intimate with that man. You must communicate with the man because you have a child together. But that is where it should stop.

This man wants both of you to buy a house together. I will not suggest that you do so with him. Too many red flags are showing up. Having two children and being unmarried should not force you to get married to one of the men you do not really love.

I once officiated at a wedding and the woman had about three or four children. This guy was not the father of any of the children, but he adopted them as his own and married the young woman and supported them well. They look to him as their father, and they are very respectful. That is how it ought to be. Therefore, I say to you, save your money. Don't rush into marriage with this man. You will regret doing so.


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